Teeformee

I confess that I have an extremely (possibly worryingly) low self esteem

I hate to be so emo/dramatic but I really fucking hate myself.

It's like I've accepted me being an absolute piece of shit as fact? Like, someone don't reply to me and I'll instantly think 'Oh yh obviously they hate me, why would I expect otherwise'. Even with friends that I've known for years, I still think they all just secretly hate me and they keep me around out of pity.

There are some days where I think even my family hate me. It's not even provoked my anything, I just have days where I think 'I bet my parents want to give me up for adoption but don't bc they don't want to hurt my feelings'

There are a few people who I've been honest about this with, and they've said lovely things like 'no, you're an amazing person' and 'I'm glad to have you in my life', but I just can't bring myself to believe it.

And don't get me wrong, I understand that it's silly to think the whole world hates your guts, and I've tried to use logic to convince myself that there are people in the world that actually care about me. But my brain just can't put trust into the fact that people could like someone like me.

I don't really talk about this to people openly, bc I feel like just bringing it up is very attention-seeking (even this comment feels like I'm trying for attention too much), but I wanted to take part in the confessions.

jorgene0

Worrying about these things won't change the fact that these things could / couldn't / did / didn't happen. If someone wants to be a jerk or do something bad to you behind your back, worrying about it won't stop this person. Trust your friends enough for you to feel safe but never trust 100% blindly unless they have proven to you they are worth the risks.

Teeformee

Yeah, I get that it is that simple and I should just stop caring about what people think of me. But like, it's so hard to break those negative ways of thinking y'know?

But progress comes with time I guess.

exchronos

Well confessed @Teeformee :)

I've experienced some similar struggles with trying to reprogram the way my emotions and thoughts work. What you describe is the top-down approach, using the cerebral cortex to reign in the other misfiring parts of the brain. I've never found that approach to be particularly effective...while it's a good practice to have as it leads to self-control I've found it rarely produces transformational change.

The more effective approach for me has been bottom-up, where the brain is changed through lived experiences. It's one thing to say to yourself, or hear from others, "you are loved " but it is totally different when you experience love in a real & tangible way. Everyone is different in how this would work for them...but hey, for further reading if you are curious: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk MD

Teeformee

Thank you @exchronos , honestly I was struggling with how to word this confession for a while and wasn't sure if sharing it was a good idea.

What you said makes sense, I always think the problem should be solved on my own through willing my own brain to change how it thinks, but it never really leads to long term effects.

Whenever I experience love or affection from someone in my life, I am mostly really happy, but there's this little voice in the back of my mind that just doubts. I guess for me the best way to improve would be a mix of both approaches, and I should try and let my self trust in others when they act kind towards me.

Thank you for the reading suggestion, I will definitely check it out (As a former Psychology student the book is right up my alley lol)

And thank you again for reading my confession and taking it seriously, I wasn't really expecting any replies but I'm glad ♡

Eden

I totally understand and relate to a personal level what are you going through. I have to say that, from my own experience, you can and SHOULD get out of this, even if I myself took years to understand that you're a person.

First, I totally recommend to you that you search professional, or at least, a person you can totally put your trust and you know they will give you advice or support, that they will actually listen to you, to search the root of your self-esteem problems; these can be caused by a miriad of different reasons: depression, childhood traumas, serotonin deficiency that will cause "biological" depression that could be regulated with pills.

Now, speaking directly to you, again, I can totally relate to your problems because until the last year I suffered a lot with identity and even I reproved a year in school. It took a lot of time, but once I started to seek help, I could easily understand that those people that said you so, especially our family, will never lie you. Those persons want the best for you, and sometimes, we, as victims of our deep issues, can't appreciate. And I started to analyse myself and search, in the first place, why people appreciated me, what are those virtues and characteristics that make me a person that's loved and appreciated by others. When you find it, you're gonna realise that you don't need nobody in your life to tell you the reason.
And believe me: even if I don't know you in a personal level, I can easily tell that you're a lovely person that have a lot to give to others and, especially to you, though you're limiting those abilities and virtues.

Whatever it takes, as long as it takes, it's totally worth it, only for one reason: because of you. Because you're here, therefore you have something to will, to give, to recieve, to live and be happy. And you deserve it, even if you don't trust me know.

I wish you the best, @Teeforme, and if someday you need to talk, catch me up on Discord or DM, sweetie, I'll be there for ya'. As cliché at it sounds: the sun always rises in the morning, and there's always an opportunity to hit the reset button in your life. We love you. ❤

Teeformee

@Eden thank you so much, your kind words really mean a lot to me ♡

As for seeing a professional, I've been to counselling before, and it did help somewhat with my understand of why I feel the way I do, but I always felt like I was just a burden to my counsellor, and that my problems weren't that bad and that I was just wasting his time.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm that you were able to improve yourself, and since we have such similar experiences it gives me faith that one day I will be able to better myself as well.

My self-esteem has been a long-standing problem, but I have definitely made some progress from then to now. I used to just isolate myself and had no motivation to open up myself and form relationships because I just didn't see myself as worth anyone's time. But now, I've started reaching out to people at my low points and relying on people a little more.

I want to say thank you again for the lovely comment, all the encouragement brightens my mood. Thank you for the support, I'm relieved to know that I can come to you whenever I need it ♡